As much as I try to be a better mother each day, I often feel like a complete failure. I never thought being a parent is easy but I never imagined that it will be this hard. When they were babies, my fear was that I am not taking good enough care of them and that would then result in them falling sick or worse. I often questioned my decisions, tried to make sure that I researched all my available options and picked the option that was best for them.

As they grow older, my fears grew into a long list as well. Things I never thought of as scary, is now scary to me. The dangers of my kids taking the school bus, for example. I would play through so many potential scenarios. What if they did not wear their seat belt properly and the bus had to jam it’s breaks? What if an accident occurred and they got injured? What if they got off at the wrong stop? There are so many “what if” and these hypothetical scenarios keep me up at night.

Believe it or not, I found that a lot of my fears turn me into a monster. I would be super angry with my kids when they touch the handrails inside the elevator. In my mind, its dirty. They touch it, they forget, they put their hands into their mouth, they might potentially fall sick or worse. Worse in my head usually means death. Logically, I do know that touching the hand rails probably wouldn’t cause death but, in my head, what if some homeless hobo had touched the handrails and he had dirty hands because he was digging through the garbage. He could even have touched poopoo and not washed his hands! Just typing this hypothetical example is making me cringe and shudder.

My anger comes from my fear? Am I right? Obviously, I don’t want bad things to happen to them. Thus, I would rather prevent whatever hypothetical scenario (however ridiculous) from happening before it actually does. Eliminate the risk.

Protect. Prevent. Eliminate.

Are these the words that is pinned on the imaginary cork board in your mind? Because it is in mine. I want to protect them. I wish could protect them from everything. But that is not how the world works, as I am now starting to learn. When I assume teaching them certain values were right but it only made them weak, I start to second guess and doubt myself. Do kind children grow up into weak adults? How can I protect them without destroying them? What is the right way to bring them up? Standing up for what is right makes you a target, so do I teach them to follow the masses instead? I wouldn’t do that, but I also know the recursion of trying to do right. It almost never end well.

I feel lost. As a mother, as a person and in so many instances these days, I’m beginning to doubt my own decisions. I know that ultimately, I just want my kids to be healthy, happy and safe but how do I achieve that? In a world where its evidently dog eat dog, how do I teach my kids to be kind but not weak? To not hurt people but make them pay if they hurt you? How do I explain why people can get away with doing bad things? Why life can sometimes be hard to understand even when we do our best? Why is our best, sometimes not good enough?

Now I have a million WHYs in addition to my long list of fears. What I don’t have is answers.

Are mothers suppose to know all these? I don’t even know the answers so how would I know what to do?

I just feel like a failure. And I’m sad.

Maybe the world was never meant for people like me. Maybe I was never made to be a mother.