In the movies that we watch, bullies are often the bigger, tougher-looking, gangster-ish person. Slamming people up against their lockers in school, cornering people in the alley ways..and I grew up telling myself that I will never allow that to happen to me. Simply because, I will be stronger or so I thought.

I encountered my first real bully in school. She was skinny, not very tough looking but yes, definitely on the rougher side. She would throw my books away, call me names from across the school building and once, she humiliated me in the girl’s bathroom by undoing the bathroom stall catch, swinging the door open while I was changing out of my PE attire so everyone (her friends) could laugh and make jokes about my body. Did she physically hurt me? Nope. Was I affected? Deeply. This is when I learned that BULLYING was just a very general word and whatever I watched on TV, the shoving, the beating up people, those are physical violence and often, that kind of bully can be resolved by going to the authorities.

The real BULLYING that is much more dangerous and what should be looked into more, is COVET BULLYING.

This form of bullying leaves no scars that can be seen with eyes, yet it is detrimental to the very part of our human body that is essential to being alive; our brain. It usually takes some time before the effects of emotional bullying starts showing in the person being bullied and it is not easy to seek help either because by that time, you could already be so broken to a point where you cannot even coherently explain how you ended up in this mentally unstable state. Sometimes, these situations could end up taking a life.

Grim yet this is a problem not just our children face in school, it is rampant even in the adult world.

Now that technology have advanced by leaps and bounds over the last decade since my first encounter with my first bully, the internet, specifically social media, has made it even easier for people to be bullies. Now, people can easily inflict emotional/mental pain on others, strangers behind the safety of their screens and keyboards. These people can do so, without any real consequences, as long as they know the loopholes and make sure to single out their victim without actually saying their names.

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How many troubled celebrity deaths were suicides that we see reported in the news? So many. Each time i read one, I scroll down to the comments and I see much more than just the compassionate empathetic condolences by the public, I also see comments like..

“XXX was probably taking drugs.”

“This is what XXX gets for all the fame and money.”

These are the more general ones that I have seen and I think to myself, why? Why do people even see the need to type that out and post it up when this person, probably never did a thing to you ever and their love ones are probably grieving and in so much pain from losing someone. Why do you have to be so mean?

Now, that was just mean comments from strangers to other strangers. Now imagine the kinds of emotional or mental damage that can be done by people who actually know each other. People who were once friends, people who were once in each other’s lives. People who have the means to attack you on a very personal level.

Think about that for a moment, how many social media fights have you chased over instagram, facebook. Most of which are of former friends who fell out and now, decide to go on a public platform to divide the public, rallying their virtual supporters to ostracise, attack and have a negative perception of the other party. Some of these fights are fair, both parties play dirty and are equally vicious, both on the same path and aiming for the same goal; to take the other one down and destroy them.

But some of these fights are not like this because maybe only one party wants the above and the other person may just want to move on. What happens then?

Now, in this case, this is where Relational Aggression; bullying starts.

Relational aggression is defined as a type of aggression that is “intended to harm others through deliberate manipulation of their social standing and relationships”. Relational aggression is a type of bullying and one that is far too common.

It is just 1 person, gathering and rallying others, to join in on spreading hate and negativity about the other party. 1 weak cowardly person, forming a group of weak cowardly people to share half stories, play the victim and gang up to attack online, via their social media platforms as the ultimate keyboard heroes. Strength in numbers, that is their plan. Often than not, such people are simply toxic and love the drama because, drama seems to be key to growing social media presence. Drama draws the viewership.

You’d think “these are just kids, they will outgrow this stage, its a phase…”

THINK AGAIN

Its not just the kids, its disgusting and im embarrassed to admit this but this toxic bullying is rampant amongst the Mum-Influencing community. Everyone appears nice, friendly and its as if they are the best of friends until you join them at a lunch, privately. Oh the things they talk about, the fellow mum-influencer they just said hi to? “DID YOU KNOW SHE CHEATED ON HER HUSBAND?” Some talk about other mums they don’t even know, just because.

Or when you are in a whatsapp group chat with them and they would randomly screenshot another influencer’s post, send into the group chat and start judging her, HARD. “OMG!!! Look at what she wearing!” but when they see this same person at an event, its “HIIIIIII! Omg you look so good babe! Boomerang boomerang…”

As fake as my overly-edited meitu xiuxiu filtered selfies.

Why Do Adult Women Bully?
Adult women who bully others do so for the same reasons that teens bully others. They want power, especially social power. And they often use relational aggression as their weapon of choice. This covert type of bullying is both subtle and hurtful. And it’s effective.

When bullies use their relationships to create social drama, they are preying on the very nature of female connections. This power makes them feel strong and in control. They determine who is in and who is out. Meanwhile, the victims are left wondering what just happened.

Point is, if even the supposed role-models for kids are this toxic, what hope do we really have for the world in the future? All the “teach our kids to be kind…” shit is nothing but shit if these are the kinds of role-models that is supposedly influencing the community that is in-charge of producing and raising the next generation.

During the first global lock-down due to the on-going pandemic, I participated in an IG-LIVE with other “influencers” and looking back at it now, there were definitely some of my personal views that could have been kept buried deep inside my brain-filing-cabinet instead of being shared, with a whole bunch people online. I could have been more sensitive to what sort of content I was putting out, especially when it involved sharing about my opinions on someone I have never even crossed path with. Clearly, I was not the best version of myself back then.

As fate would have it, I left the very toxic group of friends (fellow mums) and realised, with so much negative crap going on in the world as it is, people should be sending out more positivity into the world. Words of encouragement because you never know when your words could have determined someone’s mental/emotional state.

If you are reading this, I hope you take it upon yourself to make the world a better place for our kids. Bullying is not just a shove against the wall, a playground tussle or a fight in the school’s bathroom, bullying also happens in the form of causing unnecessary emotional and mental distress; i.e RELATIONAL AGGRESSION.

It all starts with us.